What Dreams May Come

My cousin Charla passed away this week. Another young person stolen away by a vehicle accident. Another instance where I am reminded how precious and devastating life can be.

I often think about when Nick first passed. I'm not sure what makes my mind immediately go to the worst part of his life - the end. Sometimes I think too hard, and remember so vividly - to the point that I bring myself to tears because the wound feels so deep and so fresh. Sometimes I can take comfort in remembering how Nick was there for me right after his passing, when I struggled to adjust to his being gone.

I dreamed about Nick a lot when he first moved on to his next great adventure. Nick's best friend told me that when you sleep your soul wanders, and that is why I would wake up feeling peaceful. I can't tell you how many times I would cry  myself to sleep and wake up feeling whole again for a few minutes. The hole in my heart had been filled, even just temporarily because I had been with my Nick.

I remember one dream in particular that was so incredibly strong, not just in it's imagery, but in the brightness, the smell, the warmth and the feel. I often times try to take myself back to this place, but without luck. This was the last dream that I had where I knew that NICK was there, not just the memory of him, or the figments of my imagination. I don't know if I will ever again get the chance to experience this level of existence.


::..

I remember being upstairs in my parents home. Something drew me out of the kitchen area, towards the hallway. A bright light caught the corner of my left eye. As I turned my head I noticed it was streaming from the small half-circle glass cut out of the front door. I remember the light glowing from that small window, so brightly that I walked into the room. The brightness from the bay windows to the left of the door was so tremendous I winced a little, half closing my eyes to shield them from the intensity of the light. As I continued to enter the front room the door opened and, filling the entire doorway, in stepped my beautiful brother with the glowing warm light behind him.

I simultaneously cried and laughed - I didn't know which I wanted to do more. The butterflies and falling feeling in my stomach were both so intense I almost toppled over. I jumped up and wrapped my arms around Nick's neck and hugged him so tightly - as tight as I had wished I could have  hugged him before he left that final night. I felt him hug me back - I didn't imagine it, I FELT him hug me back. My arms were wrapped around his neck and his arms were wrapped around the middle of my back, our faces cheek-to-cheek. I felt the stubble on his cheek against my own, which was by now soaked in tears. My mouth was near his ear and I just kept whispering to him, "I knew it wasn't true! They tried to tell me you were gone, but I didn't believe them. I knew it, I knew you wouldn't ever leave me!" I went on holding him close, sobbing, every few seconds breaking away from our embrace so that I could look at his face to make sure that it was real. To make sure that HE was real. I had a tremendous sense of peace and relaxation. Finally - the nightmare was over! Everything could go back to the way it was and life would be simple and beautiful again. I vowed to myself never to take him for granted, or anyone else that I loved for that matter. I hugged him again, tighter and tighter. "I knew it. I knew it, and I love you so much" I told him.

Nick didn't speak at all. After a few moments he grabbed my arms gently and removed them from around his neck. I looked up, immediately in a panic. I wanted to be confused, but I had known all along that he couldn't be here. He smiled at me and turned for the door. I begged him to stay with me. I begged him not to leave me again, not now. Didn't he see that I needed him? Didn't he know what he was doing to me, and to everyone else that loved him so much? It wasn't fair!

"Please, please don't go. You just got here! You can't leave!" I pleaded with him. He looked back once as he opened the door, more of that beautiful light filling the room. He had to go, and I had to stay. With that my beautiful Nick smiled, waved good-bye then quietly walked out the door, out of the dream, and left me alone with nothing but my thoughts and my emptiness. Then and only then was it clear to me that this was real. It's a little ironic to think about - this dream is what woke me up to the fact that this was now my reality.

::..


There are many other instances before this one, where Nick came to me when I needed him during my adjustment period. None of them were as powerful as this one. I think in this case Nick came to me to let me know that I needed to accept the fact that he wasn't coming home.
I wasn't ever going to open the front door to find him standing there, smiling back.
I needed to accept it before I could begin to rebuild my life.
I needed to begin a new chapter in the story of my life; one that didn't include my sweet Nick.

I cherish our last meeting very much, because I know that is what it was. In my sleep my soul had wandered to the plane of existence that Nick had created for us to be together. He had a place ready for me that was familiar, safe, and empty all at once where I could be with him one last time. He provided me with a small dose of closure and more importantly, one last trademarked big bear hug good-bye.

...and I couldn't have dreamed it better myself.