Grandma-isms

I think it's important for me to write down some of the conversations that Grandma and I have had over the years, because I don't ever want to forget. Whenever you read something that my Grandma says, remember to read with a thick Spanish accent that only gets stronger with excitement. Also, Grandma has not worn her dentures in well over 15 years, so keep that in mind when enunciating.

This was one of my favorite Grandma moments of all time. If you ever ask her to recount the story, it will take her at least 15 minutes because she laughs after every other word.

Gail: Mom, put your word search away, it's time to eat
Grandma: [Looks at Gail, confused] What kind of peas are these?
Gail: What do you mean? They are just regular green peas...?
Grandma: These are the biggest peas I have ever seen! They are some new peas, que no?
Gail: Nope, they are just the same frozen peas you ate the other night.
Grandma: Are you sure? They are so big, I don't know if I can even eat them!
Gail: ....Take your reading glasses off....
Grandma: [takes her glasses off] Hey! What happened to my giant peas?!

I go over to visit Grandma pretty regularly after work and on weekends, although I am always "on call". Phone calls like this are not as rare as you might think:

Grandma: Can you come over right now?
Me: Sure! (in panic mode) Is everything ok?!
Grandma: (completely calm) No, there is a bee in the house and I need you to get it out.


Even though my Grandma has diabetes, she eats like a 3-year old. Whenever I ask her what she wants to eat, she replies with either "candy!" or "a cupcake". I'm not really in the habit of arguing with a 97-year old woman, so she wins. EVERY. Time. There have been several times when we have conversations like this:


Me: Grandma, do you need me to pick up anything on my way to your house?
Grandma: Yes, I need more candy.
Me: What happened to the bag of candy I brought you yesterday? Did you eat it all already?
Grandma: No, somebody else must have. My drawer is empty.
Me: Grandma, you are the only one in the house that eats candy!
Grandma: I'm old..:long pause:...So are you bringing me candy or not?

Me: Oh my word! This Christmas card from (*cousin who will not be named to protect identity) is so cute! Look at that baby! So big, and so cute!
Grandma: I know! Can you believe it? Especially since the parents are so ugly.
Me: Grandma! You can't say that! So-and-so is your grandchild!
Grandma: So? They don't look like me!

Grandma started giving her things away. A while back while Gail was in California for Rocky's wedding, she asked me if I wore jewelry. I told her that I did whenever I get dressed up, and she asked me to follow her into her room. She started laying out necklaces and bracelets that she wanted me to take.

Me: Grandma, I don't want to take all of your things!
Grandma: You better take them now, because once I die, everyone will be fighting for them!

Gail was telling the other other day about how much her knee hurts because she fell on it the other night, falling out of bed.

Grandma: Can you believe she fell on her bad knees? Have you ever heard of a grown up falling out of bed? [to Gail] Why were you so closed to the edge anyway?!
Gail: I sleep on the edge because I have to get up so often in the middle of the night.
Grandma: ...so did you pee your pants when you fell out of bed?

I went over before Thanksgiving to help prepare the house for guests. Part of my duties was to take down some of the 47,000 framed photographs on the TV stand that everyone keeps adding to everytime they come over. I dusted the stand, then dusted the photos and one by one, showed them to Grandma and asked if she wanted it back up, or put somewhere else. 3 out of 5 times this was her response:

Grandma: I don't even know who that is, why would I want to look at them?

Another golden Grandma quote: "I'm not sick, I'm just lazy"

My grandma had a present for my cousin Jacque, and asked Gail to wrap it.

Grandma: Now remember not to open this until Christmas. Since Gail is taking so long, you might not get it until Christmas anyway.

Grandma was talking about how hard it was for my aunt to take care of her husband when he was old and passing away, having to feed him and change him everyday.
Grandma: I'm 97 and I'm way healthier than Gail. I think I will have to feed her and change her diapers before she has to do that for me!

There will definitely be more of these to come, I just wanted to get my favorite written down first.
Gosh, I just love that woman.