The very first thing you should know about my Grandma is that she is the greatest lady who has ever lived, and that is not just my opinion. It's a scientific fact. She is compassionate, selfless, sweet, and laughs and everything - including herself. She is an amazing example of how to live a life you love, and love the life you live.
I have spent countless hours with my Grandma over the past several years, and I have gotten to know her in ways that many of my other family members have not had the privilege to. I count myself lucky.
She amazes me everyday. Whenever I have a bad day at work and I can feel my mood sinking, I take "the long way" home and stop in to visit. Just pulling up into her driveway immediately changes my whole mood. Walking in the door and hearing her Spanish soap operas on the TV changes my whole demeanor. Walking in the family room to find her in her little red chair and hearing her say, "I'm so glad you came to see me. I missed you." ...changes my whole day.
Grandma went to the doctor recently, which isn't strange. When you're 97-years-old, you do need to check in pretty regularly with the doc.
This time, she went in because she found a lump.
A week later when she went back for more tests the lump had almost doubled in size. Another week later when the biopsy results were back, my deepest fears were confirmed. My Grandma - the person I love more than any single human being on this planet - has Cancer. That evil, ugly "C word" - and there is nothing I can do about it.
When I got off the phone after that conversation I was in complete shock. I had been in denial the last two weeks, and I knew it all along. I had hoped that if I downplayed it enough that everything would be ok. That my Grandma would be ok. I had a hard time concentrating at work for the rest of the day. I cried on and off whenever I knew no one would be coming into my office. When I finally left that day, after what felt like an eternity, I headed straight to Grandma's house. I had waited all day to see her and hug her. I cried most of the way to her house while everything that was raw and on the surface sunk in.
When I let myself in through the gate in the back to get in through the back door, I looked in the kitchen window at my Grandma and Gail sitting down to their tiny round dinner table, finishing up visiting after dinner. I stood and stared in the window for a long while. It was a lot darker outside than it should have been at 5:00 at night, and the light from the window glowed and lit up the yard. I watched her for a minute longer before heading inside. Once I got inside, I went over to her and immediately gave her the hug I had been saving all day. I didn't want to let go once I had her in my arms. I held back my tears, not wanting her to see me cry. I didn't want to scare her, or make her worry even more than she already may have been at that point.
For the rest of the night I caught myself just staring at her, watching her giggle at her own jokes, and tried to take in every single bit of her, thinking to myself that someday I couldn't head over and see her whenever I want. Someday she won't be there to brighten my day, or make me laugh, or make me feel like I am the most special and important person in the world. I guess I had never really thought about her not being there before. I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces.
:.
I called up Shae to let him know that I needed to wear something for my Grandma, and I needed it done ASAP because I wanted her to see it before....well...I just wanted her to see it. Three days later, I went in and this is what I came out with:
It's pretty on the surface, but let me break it down so you understand fully. First of all, purple is my Grandma's favorite color, so it seemed only appropriate that the Forget-Me-Nots that I now wear for her are purple. There are 12 Forget-me-not flowers total, one for each of my Grandma's children. The four flowers that are just a littler darker represent the boys (the most handsome flower is the one for my dad, of course). The tiny elephant is for the elephants that my Grandma has been collecting for years - I'll bet she has hundreds of little ceramic elephants decorating every horizontal surface in her home. The name tag is self-explanatory.
When I went to go visit my Grandma the day after, I told her I got another tattoo and asked if she wanted to see it. She put on her concerned face and told me that I "wasn't supposed to do that". When I told her that it was for her, and showed her what everything symbolized, she just smiled at me and stared for a really long time. She looked at me, straight in the eyes, and said "How could I ever stay mad at you, when you just love me so much?"
She's right. I do just love her so much. Now that I know that a tiny piece of Grandma will always be with me I am going to take these next months, or hopefully years, that I have with her and make them as amazing as she is.
It has almost fully sunk in and although I don't like it, I have accepted it. Chemo is not an option, and she doesn't want surgery. They are giving her hormones to help slow down the growth, but slowing it down is all that they will do.
Now I understand that everything has changed.
Now I understand that she won't be with me forever.
Now I understand that nothing gold can stay.
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