Nick Smiles

For those who may not know the significance of the song "Hear You Me", I will tell you. When my darling brother passed away on April 12, 2004 I had no words of my own to describe how I felt. The majority of the healing process I went through involved music. I could hear my feelings through others words, and I had a voice. I submerged myself in every note, and I had an escape.

I asked Ken if he could play this song at Nick's funeral:

I asked him on a Thursday. He found the music and taught himself on Friday. He played it at the funeral on Saturday, and he did amazing. I am still so grateful.

I had an experience a while back that I, for some reason, have had the strongest urge lately to get written down and share with those who may be able to relate or take comfort.

Every year on the anniversary of Nick's passing to the next life, I always (intentionally or not) spend the day thinking of him - to the point that it hurts. I think about what he might look like. I think about where he would be in his life path. Would he be married? Where would he work? Would he be in school? Would I be an aunt to an adorable little redhead niece or nephew? A few things I know for sure; I would be laughing at his jokes. I would be covering for him to get him out of trouble. We would share the same friends and do the same things...just as always.

I find myself on that day, remembering back - hour by hour, the very last day I saw my brother. When I look at the clock at 12 noon, I remember yelling at Nick from the front door, telling him that mom said to come in for lunch when he was done mowing the lawn. In the evening I think about Nick and Jayson leaving to go to the girls house. At 9:00 I remember sitting in the front room, waiting for Mom and Dad to come back from the site of some car wreck up the street - just thinking to myself that Nick would be in tow, and he would be SO grounded for breaking curfew on a school night.

...

A few years ago, on the night before the 5-year anniversary of his passing, Mike and I were out for a friends birthday party. It was weird being around all these strangers laughing and having a good time. I didn't know why they would think it was ok to be happy at a time like this. Didn't they know what tomorrow was? Of course they didn't. This burden was mine alone. I hid myself in the corner and buried myself in my thoughts. I blocked everyone out and just focused on Nick and his energy.

The time finally came for us to go. I'm not going to lie, I was more than ready. I wanted to be home and asleep before the day of the 12th had begun. Why is this day here again already? Wasn't it bad enough I just barely had to suffer through his birthday in January? When we said our good-byes I looked at my clock. 11:58. I wouldn't he home in time.  When we opened the doors to leave there was a young man outside, sitting on a brick wall with an open guitar case containing a few loose, crumpled dollar bills. The second I saw him, he played the first note on his guitar of a song that was all too familiar. Haunting and beautiful...he was playing Nick's song. I stood there in awe, almost frozen stiff at the sound. I was shocked.

Was it possible that Nick knew that I had been thinking about him all day? Did he know how hard this next day was going to be for me? Was it possible that he was thinking of me, too and wanted me to know it? I waited for him to finish the first verse and threw some money into his case. I asked him not to stop playing that song until he couldn't see me anymore. As I walked away I almost didn't have the strength to hold myself upright. My stomach was in knots and had the butterflies at the same time. Tears streamed down my face, but I didn't want passers-by to see me crying so I kept walking to the car.

In that very moment I became a believer. I know that there are spirits and energies living in our world that we can't even comprehend. He was there. He knew I was there, at that particular time, on the eve of that particular day. He opened up whatever gateway exists between his world and my own and said, "I'm thinking of you, too."

I have never been so grateful to my brother as on that day. He made me unafraid. He made me certain that I will see him again someday. Regardless of religion, time, or distance LOVE will always endure as the most powerful magnetic energy in the universe.

Every year on Nick's special day, and any other time that I miss him to the point that it makes me sick, I play him his song. I play it louder and more often now that I know that he can hear it. I hope it says to him, "I am thinking of you, too, Nick. I am loving you and I am missing you more every single day."